Here goes...

I met with my Oncologist on Tuesday, and told him why I was not terribly excited about more chemo. He was great, told me all about what he wanted to put me on, and accepted my decision to forgo further treatment. He understands this is not a curative path and that I am feeling pretty good and want to have quality of life. I met with hospice today, so all that is taken care of and I am at peace with my decision

I want everyone to know I am not giving up. I accept and pray for a miracle. I know the healing will not come from the chemo or the herbs or the rife or anything external. It will come from God.

I feel strong and healthy. I want my mind to be conscious and aware. This is the next chapter, and it is important that I face it with all my faculties intact....

Blessings to all
Dyal

It has been a while..

I have been remiss in not keeping the blog up to date, so here goes all the news that is fit to print from August till now.
The latest first: I had a PET scan on Wednesday, and got the results yesterday. The results are really disappointing. The tumor in my right lung has returned and is "extensive" The lymph in my chest and all the way into my right neck is involved. The doctor wants me on chemo, and I have not decided to do that. I am researching the drugs. I do not want to live the rest of my life sick. The medicine will not heal me, it may elongate my life, but I have to look at the side effects...

Last month I was in the hospital for a 5 day stay. I had a pleural effusion and had a hard time breathing, so a procedure was done to drain the fluid and I ended up with a chest tube. The hospital stay really kicked my butt. Right after I traveled to New England for Steve & Lynne's wedding. (Steve's son) It was really wonderful, and great to see New England again, the leaves and all the smells. We stayed at my dear friend Ree's place in Plymouth... Visited the family and had a nice time. When I got home, I crashed.

In September I had a followup MRI of the brain. The original tumor seems to be still "gone", just a bit of swelling. Unfortunately, the discovered three more tumors. They are really small, and they advised full brain radiation. I said no thanks. I will not put my head in the oven!!!

That is the bare bones. I am confused, disappointed, upset, and OK all at the same time. Quality of life is most important to me. Longevity does not seem to be in the cards, but as you all know I am totally open to a miracle.... Perhaps the miracle here is just to live in God's Grace. Each breath is a gift and each moment is an opportunity.

May you all be blessed. Lovingly Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Long Time, no see

Summer has taken me on a jolly ride! I was able to travel to California to see my family in June, and spent the first week of July in New Mexico at the ashram connecting with friends and taking the level 2 teacher training. That was very full week, very emotional and filled with transformation.
August 4 the new studio opened in Clearwater! Yoga Village is a reality, and it is a beautiful, warm and inviting space. I will be teaching there on Monday evening and Thursday morning. This Saturday we will be having a healing circle, so everyone is invited, it is free to all...
My health news is a bit disapointing. The latest pet scan shows some hot spots... they are really small, and the doctors are watching me closely. My naturopath is not really concerned, he says my blood is much cleaner and my immune system is coming back strong.
I plan on beginning to blog again often, so I hope to see you all soon... Much love. Martha

cycles

I have been thinking about how different the cycles of my life have become. When you are healthy, you never think about being sick or dying. Once the diagnosis of cancer clouds your life, every 3 months (or 6 or year...) you have to go and find out if the demon is back. I feel awesome. I do not feel sick at all, yet I wonder if the little cells are acting up. It is very disorienting and odd. I just have to live each day fully, which is what we have anyway, but it is just different now. I am running in seasonal cycles I guess.
Love to all.

Secrets

There is a wealth of things I think to say at night before I go to sleep, of course all of them are profound and delightful, and I can never remember them in the morning... What is that about? Friday night I was at a home concert for Bo Lozoff, and the discusion was about the popular film and book, The Secret. It was a really interesting conversation. I borrowed the film from a friend and watched it with several friends. At the time we all felt that the film certainly had a wonderful message of positive thinking, but that it put a whole lot of emphasis on the material trappings of success. We all felt it was rather shallow, but had a good message. Well, Bo really articulated the problem with the film in a way that made me sit up and take notice. His perspective was that the film teaches a very self centered and self aggrandizing path. The true path to liberation from the trappings of our physical existence is through SERVICE.
Food for thought at any rate and a valid point. Wealth is fine, but it is not the path to happiness...... Yogi Bhajan speaks of the 3 H's : Healthy, Happpy and Holy. I have certainly been given a second chance at health. Happiness and holiness are the other two componets that I seek to include in the overall health of my being. Not only thinking good and positive thoughts, but acting on them and living in the realm of the saints. How is that possible for any of us? I know that it is possible, and that rejecting the current emphasis on what our culture says will make us happy is part of it. I do not want to be a good little consumer of popular culture, and I believe it is a difficult path because we have to stay aware. Thank God for Kundalini Yoga, because it gives me the tools to stay aware.
Many blessings to you all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Rebirth

Every moment is a gift! I am beyond happy. Joy is a good word for what I feel. I hope that you all know that I could not have been healed without each and every one of you. My heart is overflowing. My beloved teacher Yogi Bhajan says that we will only reach universal consciousness through group consciousness and really this experience has taught me that lesson. Blessings and love to all.

Praise GOD!

Your prayers have been heard! My prayers have been answered! My PET scan came back today totally clear of cancer. THE TUMOR IS A MASS OF SCAR TISSUE!!!! The lymph is clear of cancer. There are no tumors anywhere else. I am so relieved, so happy, so thankful, so incredibly lucky and blessed. Thank you all for every prayer uttered, every positive thought, and every moment of support. I cannot even think straight I am so relived. Every moment is a gift, every breath is a miracle. The doctor was really great, he said he does not often get to give good news.... and mine is a miracle. Thank GOD! Once I process this, I will write more. Love to all, Peace to all, Health to all...

We're Baaack

Hey everyone, we had a wonderful time on the boat, we are back from our vacation, I am feeling better every day, my hair is starting to come in and I am rested and ready for anything...
I think the biggest thing the vacation gave me was the opportunity to just totally unwind. I was able to articulate some of the things that were challenging me, and Steve was incredibly and powerfully helpful to me. The fact is that I have never dealt with my body not doing what I wanted, so for me to deal with such a betrayal was depressing. Little miss sunshine is not used to deprssion, so Steve shared that my body is a temple.... something I had forgotten. Glad to have myself back.
Blessings to all, and hope to see you at the Healing Circle on Saturday night.
Dyal Kaur (Martha)

busy life, bad blogger

Greetings everyone. I have been busy getting ready for our 2 weeks vacation on the boat.... So I have been a bad blogger. I am feeling better everyday, and it is a constant struggle to not do too much. My stamina is really not up to snuff yet, and when I do too much, I pay for it. We were supposed to leave last night, but here it is Saturday and we are just now leaving. So, I will be gone for two weeks of hanging out on the boat in Charlotte Harbor. Steve and I both really need to get away and have some down time. blessings and love to all, and thanks for staying with me. Love, Martha

News from the Brain Doc

I had the MRI of the brain as a follow up to the gamma knife last friday so Tuesday I got the results... The brain tumor is GONE!!!! Yipee. I felt in my heart that it was a non-issue, but it is great to have confirmation of that. Steve and I have decided to take a vacation on Mahalo for the first two weeks of May, which is a lovely time to go Boca Grande. He has been so awsome, and really needs a vacation, and well, you can imagine how nice it will be for me to just veg and not have to worry about treatments.
One of the things that has been really on my mind is the powerful effect of memory. I realized when I was in the depths of things over these past weeks,that memory plays a huge part in how we view ourselves. There is a vibration or a image that is associated with deep memory, and sometimes it is very detrimental to our health. What I am talking about is the sort of thing that happens when we are young, an our parent says something like "You are dumb"... We remember it and if it is not released or transformed it just sits there with this awful message. Well, I dug up some really funky memories, and struggled with them for a few days. The yoga sutra says memory is the retention of experience. I pray I will hold on to the positive and creative experiences of this time in my life and continually let go of all the negative ones. The more we give energy to the negative, the stronger it gets. I am finding this really true of nausea..... UGH.
So, I hope to see everyone who can make it on Saturday for the healing circle at the Yoga Center at 7:00. I promise not to cry for the whole thing this time. I am feeling much better.
Blessings to all... Dyal Kaur

Chemo is done!

I am so relieved and happy that I am finally done with the chemo treatments. It is a happy day, and I am grateful beyond words. Kerrie, my friend from Boston was here and with me, so when I walked out of the office I burst into tears. It was so great to have the comfort of a friend... I feel strong, a little queasy today, but just so glad to have the chemo behind me. I am processing a lot of things at the moment, so once I get my thoughts together, I will share some of those things. For now I am so glad to be alive. Blessings to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! I am feeling a whole lot better today. Yesterday Steve and I went on a nice walk on Honeymoon Island, and I was able to begin to express some of the dispair and sadness that has taken over my life for the past week. I know it is very important to stay positive and all, but when I had to cancel all my appointments on Thursday because I was just too wiped out, I sort of hit rock bottom. I felt worthless and sick. Luckily I have been able to begin to talk about this awful feeling, because it is shifting. I am not used to the feeling of depression, but here it is... Next week is my last 3 chemos, so today I am thinking positive and looking to the future beyond the treatment. Boy, people are really on target when they say the treatment is worse than the cure.
Please continue to pray for me. I really need it!
Bless you all!
Dyal Kaur (Martha)

It has been a week!

I cannot believe it has been an entire week since I have blogged... Nothing too much to report. I am suffering (or I should say Steve is suffering) from a relly nasty cough every night from the allergies due to pollen. I have never had this kind of thing before, but I guess this is the time for me to see what it is like to have seasonal allergies. NO FUN. I am trying to work as much as possible this week as it is the week before chemo, so I am focused on that. Also, the taxes are comming up very soon, so I am trying to get all that together. thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. Love, Martha

Wed the 28 of March

All is well. The Chemo last week really was difficult, I guess every time it is different. I am back to work this week and feeling a whole lot better. The healing on Saturday was awesome. I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system. I am tired, which the doctors tell me is normal. It is not very normal for me tho... My last radiation treatment was Monday. I am a graduate! Yippee. Blessings to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Round 3 is behind me!

I am so glad this cycle is behind me. I had hoped it was going to go even easier than the last one, but I guess every chemo cycle has its own mind. Or maybe I have my own mind. I keep trying to find some logic to the process, and I thik I need to give that one up. Sometines there is no making any "sense" of things. Logic and understanding are a bit of a trap. Nothing is really linear in that way. God is a huge circle, round and plump, not a line from a to b and back again. So. I have survived, I will survive. Delete all cancer from my body, Chemo, do your thing, and I will just sit back and observe this play...
Love to all, Light to all, Peace to all...DyaL Kaur Martha

Round 3, Day 1

I'm glad the chemo is not like a professional boxing match... only 4 rounds for me and not 12! I continue to amaze the doctors. No horrible side effects, no pain, no pain medication etc. I know it is the fact that I continue to do yoga, meditate, and most importantly have faith. I have such incredible friends, students, clients, and family. Thank you all. I think somehow the reason I am not more "sensitive" to the chemo is that when we were growing up my mom had an almost pathological aversion to taking us to the doctor, so I was not one of those kids that got tons of antibiotics and medicine. Lois was big on more over the counter stuff...bandaids, calomine lotion and some wierd paste called KIP that was used for practically everything. So thanks mom, on some level I think I am tolerating this well because of you too...
Ruthie is leaving for Costa Rica tomorrow morning, and I am so happy for her and so sad for me. I will miss her. I will be visiting though as soon as they tell me I can fly! I want to see the pacific ocean and the whales and the beach and all wonders of a country with no standing army that can afford to offer really comprehensive health care to all who live there. hmmm
A cancer diagnosis really changes your life. I am of course stating the obvious here, but I mean it in a way that has to do with how you define your life. I am a yoga teacher, I am Lois's daughter and Rose's granddaughter, I am a healer, I am Steve's mate, Yogi Bhajan is my teacher and I am a cancer survivor. None of these things will ever change. All these things define who I am. My projection is shifting to include the cancer. I think that is what I was trying to get at when I struggled early on with the idea that I did not want to do violence to the cancer. No it is not my buddy or anything, I want it gone with the wind, but it has changed me in a positive way as well. I know I am strong, I know the power of prayer, and I know the teachings that Yogi Bhajan gave to us and jewels to be savored and shared.
Blessings to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Tuesday March13

What is it about having something major go haywire in your life that brings about all the questions and memories? I have been thinking a lot about the idea of karma, and how I have created the cancer, am healing, and never want to have it take hold in my body again. So, what happened? What was it that made the enviromment for the cancer to grow. Scientifically, I know it has to do with certain chemical and genetic factors. I also know that emotionally and spiritually, there has been a disconnect in me. An unwillingness to let go of the past, and embrace myself as a whole and beautiful person. I think we all have memories of being lousy to someone, and we hold onto it. Let it go. There is no blame, we were foolish of ignorant or just plain selfish. We know better now. Each day, each breath is an opportunity to begin anew.. that is why yoga is a practice. I pray I may get it "right". Much love and prayers to all...Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Sunday March 11

After some deliberation, much discussion and a few times checking the weather, Steve and I decided to take Mahalo out over the weekend.... What a glorious planet we live on! First, the weather was perfect, there were not too many people on the intercoastal, and the air was so pure and clean. I slept a solid 12 hours Saturday night, and rose only once just in time to see the moon rise. A beautiful half moon all pinky on the horizon. I love the fact that I can see these things. We took a lovely walk on Anclote Key Sunday morning with Delilah among the sandpipers and shells.
I am looking forward to a productive and healthy week. I love the week before chemo. I feel strong and healthy. A friend told me last week to see the chemo as "Healing Elixir". OK. I think I can do that. The oncologist sure seems to think so. Only two more weeks of radiation, and I am free of that commitment. I feel like I am comming to another crossroad. I take the healing path!
Health to all, Love to all, Life to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Thursday March 8

I cannot believe it is already Thursday....I am back to work this week. It feels so wonderful to have some sense of a regular life. Monday gave me the gift of teaching. I so miss it when I have the Chemo weeks, but I know it is best to rest and let my body recover from the onslaught of medicine. So, I am happy to be alive, thinking about the future, (mine and ours) and feeling the wonderful gift of free and easy breath in my body. Blessings to all, M

Sunday March 4, 2007

The healing circle last night was incredible! Everyone including me felt the power and energy of WAHE GURU! God is invincible. I slept very deeply and soundly last night, which I am sure is part of this wonderful healing. After the healing, the drumming was particularly powerful for me. I laid down and just absorbed the heartbeat of the drums. The fact that the cancer manifested close to my heart was not lost on me. Rhythum and vibration will heal it, remove it, neutralize it, and delete it. I continue to be amazed and grateful for all your support. Thanks as well to my dear friends in New Mexico for their wonderful healing yesterday as well. I am blessed with health. I am blessed with love and support. I am blessed by the breath of God. Every single one of you is blessed as well.

February 28,2007

I am halfway done with my Chemotherpy treatments! What an awesome milestone. Every day from here on is on the other side of the mountain, I get a different vista..... I am so grateful to all of you who gave me feedback about how to view the chemo this time. Last time I just felt so toxic, and this time my mind was in a much more neutral place so I could accept and function. I still feel like this is the "elephant" day.... Back up to (UGH) 142 lbs.... and feeling very FULL. But this too shall pass....
I had an unusual experience today that taught me a lot and I want to share it with you all. The chemo room was very packed today, and I sat near two lovely and spirit filled ladies. There was not alot of talk, but some nice companionship. One of the ladies asked me about yoga, so I told her about the positive benefits of breath and connecting to God with your breath, and that yoga was about a lot more than doing postures etc. Then I said that chanting and the practice of mantra was very helpful for me to lift my spirits and stay positive. At that point the other lady began say how breathing was good and stuff but you have to beware of yoga because chanting calls demons to you. Yoga is a Hindu religion... WELL... My heart began to beat fast, I looked at her and said: "Please say you are not telling me I am calling demons to me. Can you even see me?" Of course that is not what she meant, but I felt such a sense of violence and hurt. I plugged in my ear pods and listened to Japji to settle myself and heal the jarring energy. Wow. So here is what I got from that experience. Ignorance is bliss. She was in a state of sharing something she heard and felt to be true.... Ignorance is painful for the conscious......In my reality, the words were so violent and unfair. Demons! I pray to God, I sing to God , I trust in God. The other day I did a round of Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me. WOW. So, the moral of the story is this..... Your tongue is the most powerful organ in your body. Use it with GRACE and the understanding that you can uplift and heal with your word. SAT NAM.
I pray I will remember this.
Blessings and love to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Tuesday Feb 27

wow..... wahe guru.....god is good....
This Chemo is really going well. I have enough energy for a short bike ride. That's nice. It has been so helpful for those of you who have given me feedback on how to look at the chemo in a different and more accepting light. I know it has helped me to assimilate it. I do have that chemo bloat today, which is why I want to move this sluggish body and get things going.
Blessings to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Monday Feb. 26

Fabulous (that isn't spelled correctly) news today.....first of all, I am home from the Chemo, Kerry Carpenter (Blessings to you forever) just rubbed my feet, I feel great, not icky and bloated like last time, so LIFE IS GOOD. The oncologist is thrilled with my progress. He said I will only have to do 4 rounds of the chemo instead of 6, so needless to say I am over the moon. I changed my strategy with the food/chemo thing and really planned on having cozy/comfy foods that I knew would be appealing. Thanks to Shanti Shanti Kaur for the nutmeg cookie idea, it was great. I made a big thermos of fresh ginger tea with honey, zuchini bread sandwiches with creme cheese, a small green salad and some fresh grapefruit. I was able to eat and not feel like I was eating nails... what a delight. Thank GOD.
I pray the next two days are even better.
I hope everyone knows about the healing circle on Saturday evening. We will gather at the Yoga Center (TBYC) at 7 for the Tantric Healing Circle. Last time it was so powerful, it was just before I began my treatments, and I know it created a space in my heart to heal from the cancer and allow my body to be strong. This month there is an eclipse at the time as well, so that should make things even more interesting.
Once again, thank you all for all your prayers. Masses have been said, ardas, akhan phat (sp?), buddihst, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Sikh, pagan, wiccan, and simply good healing thoughts... Thank you all so much.
I was reading an old article by my beloved teacher, Yogi Bhajan last night, and I want to share a tiny bit of it as it is so powerful and timely. For those of you who knew him, I felt like I was sitting on the floor of the ashram in a room full of people and he was looking at me with sparkling eyes and speaking directly to me. Here is what he says: "Whether you are healthy or sick, there is no separation between you and God. When you are healthy, you are the health. When you are sick, you are the disease. There is nothing beyond you, there was never anything beyond you and there shall be nothing beyond you; provided you believe in yourself. If you have rhythm within, then you have found reality. When there is no rhythm within, when you don't listen to your own heart beat, how can you listen to the beat of others? All charity begins at home. If you have not loved your SELF, how can you love somebody else? If you don't keep yourself clean, how can you appreciate anyone else's cleanliness? This is the secret of ease and disease."
Wahe Guru! Blessings to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

February 24, 2007

The gamma knife went really well. I went through with flying colors and the doctors all are very happy with the results. I will have an MRI in a few weeks to assess the deal. I am feeling really great and am gearing up for my second round of chemo that will begin on Monday. Wish me luck.

After the procedure yesterday, my hair was comming out by the handfulls, so I asked Steve to shave it all off. Kali held my hand, Ken rubbed my neck, Steve shaved, I cried and the hair was offered to the beautiful oak in the back yard. It felt like I was going through an initiation; nuns shave their head too and now I have a beautiful bald head. I look pretty good. As soon as the screw holes from the halo heal, I will take a picture so all of you can see. (Don't freak out, the screw holes will heal quick..) So today is a time to do some yoga, meditate and get myself prepared for next week.
I really do not enjoy the chemo, but I have to get to a peaceful place about it because I know it will work better if I am accepting of it. Accept poison... Hmmm. Any ideas on how to do that are appreciated. Love to all, Light to all, Peace to all....
Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Gamma Knife Day!

This morning I am going in for the gamma knife...I am feeling really confident and hopeful amd extremely grateful for this technology. All is well. I am healed. The brain tumor is deleted today. My brain is perfect and healed with a small hole. I will have a holy brain! God bless me!
Blessings to all. Love to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Thursday Feb 22

Wow! Lots of news and changes. Mark and Rebekah have been here visiting this week so I spent lots of time with them which was great... An aquarium trip and a few walks on the beach are always great...
I met with the neurosurgeon yesterday I have never seen anyone with such steady hands... He is definately the man I want holding the gamma knife. So they have all the people in place and the gamma knife will be moved up to TOMORROW. I am thrilled to have this little 8mm tumor deleted from my left lobe. They are very encouraging, I am the perfect candidate etc. SO. I go in at 10 am and should be done by 1 or 2. it is outpatient, and they say I will be fine afterword, but to rest. I guess so, I will have a vacant spot in my brain..... but I am not using it at the moment so I am accepting that all is well.
That moves the chemo back to next week. That would have been the normal week and they want to keep me on a every 21 day schedule for the chemo as it has a better chance of working that way. So. I am gearing up for my second round next week. I am planning on lots of hot ginger tea with honey this time (I am so glad I got honey from Sat Kaur at Solstice!) and wil try to make some nutmeg cookies as that is what Yogi Bhajan says is great for chemo...
My hair has started to come out by the handfull. I guess I will get to see how I look bald. At first I was kind of freaked, but it really is OK. It will grow back. Just another thing to let go of. It lets me see what it is about me I am attatched to...
I am asking myself what it is that makes me doubt. At times there is such a sense of "rightness" about things and then there are other times when I begin to doubt... So I am looking at what triggers that. I want to, or rather I feel I must, live in a consciousness of faith. Most of the time, I know it is all right, but I have my moments...
Blessings and love to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Saturday February 17

We have just finished the healing circle, which was really wonderful, and I want to savor the yummy sense of love and belonging and support and all the goodies that go along with it. What a gift to be so loved. Thanks to all of you for participating, I know there were many who could not be here physically, but were here in the spirit world... We felt you. I am feeling stronger and stronger every day. The impact of this community of supporters on my spirits is so incredible. I am learning to accept this support and love and I appreciate what everyone is doing. Thanks!
Mark and Rebekah are on the way and will be here in a few hours. I am so excited to see my niece. She is a beautiful and sensitive young woman. Imagine having your entire life in front of you...... well I suppose that is true every day but to be so young!
Blessings to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Valentines Day

May you each be filled with the presence of God this day, filled with the fragrance of flowers and chocolate....I was re-mapped this morning and found out that they will be re-directing the daily radiation treatments so that the harmful radiation will not be going near my esophagus! Yipeee. I have been seeing my esophagus in a tube of protective light, and saying the mantra from the survival guide for radiation as a precaution, as I know this is really powerful stuff. Prana, apana, shushmana, hari, hari, har hari har hari har haree. The vibration of mantra is all around me, uplifting me and shifting me. I am keeping my "eye" on the center and allowing it to happen. Not easy for a contoling person , but worth all the effort.
Happy Valentine's Day to each of you. Blessings! Dyal Kaur

Tuesday Feb 13

Awesome news this morning! At my regular radiation treatment, the tec told me they have to "remap" me because the tumor has shrunk so much! Apparently that does not happen very often, especially so soon, so I am exstatic to say the least.
I know the healing is comming from the deepest part of me, and it is createing an environment for this thing to transform into something no longer harmful to me. I realized yesterday that Hari Charn is in India at the Golden Temple, so the waters of that sacred and healing pool are surrounding me inside and out. Prayer is a reality. Prayer is the earth energy in the world of the subltle. Prayer is support and nurturance of all that is. Your prayers are healing me; my prayer is healing me.
Blessings and love to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Monday Feb 12

It is a great day to be alive! I met with the gamma knife radiological oncologist this morning, and got much of the scoop about the procedure. They seem really confident this is the way to go for the brain tumor. I feel really good today. I have some strength and am looking forward to teaching tonight.
It is so great to have a sense of hope and to feel a little more empowered by this experience. I know I get to make the decisions about things, and even tho it seems like I do not, just knowing that I can say no is helpful. I really feel the health of my body follows the health of my mind, so I am thinking positive thoughts and grateful for every breath.
Blessings and love to all. Martha

Sunday Feb 11

I do not know how this will sound, I pray that you all will take a deep breath and not think I have gone off the deep end... This is an incredibly profound and subltle shift. I was in prayer this morning and realized that much of what I face in my journey to health is from a simple but deep "misalilignment" of my self. The bottom line here is a sense of worth. I know everyone is saying "NO Way.." but YES. That is what it is. There is a subltle and significant sepatation that is self imposed that says everyone else is more important. I know I will never be the same. I also know that I will be better and healthier for it. I was contemplating the story of Jesus in the garden at Gethsemane, and relaized that he was given a similar choice, and he too wondered if the cup could pass from him. Was he, not from the external perspective of being the messiah and the son of God, but was he in his inner self and heart willing to accept this leap of faith, this cup of bitterness in order to really become his true self. I sure not saying I am being handed the same chalice. Still it gives me a sense of my own humanity to realize that even Christ was troubled by a sense of "can I do this thing that God asks of me?"
I do not fear death, on some level, I fear my own creative and alive self much more. This is my opportunity to give myself the gift of my true creative and god-given self. Each moment is new, each breath is a blessing, each thought is an opportunity to shift to a reality based on God and not on the lie that none of us is worth the happiness and love and joy that is to be found in the heart of hearts, deep within ourselves.
On a physical note, my energy is starting to come back, I feel so much better and grateful for the ability to move my bowels (Hey its important!) and eat healthy and nutritious food. I know this journey will take me along valleys and mountains and streams, so here goes....
Bless each and every one of you. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Friday Feb 9

So Sorry for not posting for the last few days....The chemo began on Monday and was difficult but did not make me sick. I went from 128 to 141 lbs in 3 days. I felt like an elephant and spent Wednesday on my knees asking Ganesh to help me understand the lesson on the elephant! For those of you who do not know, Ganesh is the hindu God of wisdom and prosperity who is an elephant....
Your prayers have kept me up. Keeping up has a whole new meaning for me. It is about learning to accept myself in all things, not judge and forgive. The medical system is filled with very loving and wonderful people who are dealing with incredible suffering and pain each day. I have such respect for them.
The most challenging thing these last few days has been the realization that the disease in my body will leave for good if and only if I accept myself, my true, authentic, God-self. I know I have been acting as if I had done that all along, but I am here to tell you I have not. I know I can beat this disease. I am not and will not live sick. I am alive and want to become really alive in each and every moment. That is my prayer.
The really excellent news is that the pain in my right side is totally gone. My breath is still not as deep or long, but I know that will improve. I want my yoga breath back and I will have it. I have not had to take any pain medication at all for several days, and last night did not even do the cough medication. Praise God and all the angels.
May the light of God shine on all. Blessings and thanks again for your prayers.
Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Feb 5 Monday

Sat Nam everyone! Here is the good news: I feel great and the chemo treatment went really well. It was only 4 hrs instead of 6 and I am doing really well. The radiation therapy is short and sweet and the people are super nice. The healing has begun!
Friday evening was astonishing. So many of you participated and both Steve and I felt such love and support. I trust the hand of God is working through each of you to uplift and heal me in ways I cannot even imagine (and I have a really active imagination!) Thank you so much for treating me and you to such an uplifting vibration.
So here is the challenging news. I have a brain tumor. It was detected on CT scan, and MRI shows it to be pretty difinitively a metastatic tumor. The great news is that it is small. It needs to be treated separately as the chemo I am recieving does not cross the blood brain barrier (which is a good thing) and the treatments offered are from brain surgery (NOT) to targeted radiation. It is called gamma knife and sounds like the best option. Much better than radiationg my entire brain..... OK GOD I think I have had enough.... You can stop now. Blessings to everyone. Keep up the prayers, they really help. Love and light to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Feb 2 Grounhog Day

I hope to see everyone tonight! I know you will be there in spirit...

Prayer

Lord God,
Bless me with healing.
Allow me to feel close to your heart.
Grant my body ease.
Give my mind peace.
Strengthen my immune system.
Keep me focused on victory.
Delete all cancer from my body.
Hold me, my husband, my doctors, my healers, and my friends in your embrace.
Allow me the consciousness of gratitude.
May I live, breathe and vibrate the Naad.Sat Nam

February 1

Each day I feel a sese of gratitude for all the support flowing to me from every one of you. Today I see my new and much improved Primary care physician, Dr. Trapodis! Yipee.
I hope everyone who can will be able to make it to the healing circle tomorrow night. I know it will be awesome.
Blessings, Dyal Kaur

February 1

Each day I feel a sese of gratitude for all the support flowing to me from every one of you. Today I see my new and much improved Primary care physician, Dr. Trapodis! Yipee.
I hope everyone who can will be able to make it to the healing circle tomorrow night. I know it will be awesome.
Blessings, Dyal Kaur

Janurary 30,2007

The mind is my most important ally. As I gain mastery over the instability and self doubt, I gain a sense of peace and "rightness".
Yesterday I had a marathon doctor day. My brother Mark suggested I publish a critique of the various doctor waiting rooms in the area.... I really felt good about my new oncologist and will be beginning treatment on Monday Feb. 5. I will be recieving chemo for 3 days, and have 19 days off. The radiation treatments will start some time next week as well.
I hope everyone can make it on Friday evening for the healing ring of tantra. It is a wonderful and powerful healing circle.
Last evening as I taught class, I felt so grateful for the powerful and healing energy of Kundalini Yoga. I know the yoga is integral to the healing process.
Blessings to everyone!
Dyal Kaur (Martha)

January 28, 2007

Tomorrow will mark the one month anniversary of the beginning of this journey of healing. I will be seeing 3 doctors, my onco/radiologist, pulnonary, and oncologist. I do not know when the treatment will begin, but with all your prayers and support, I am ready.
Friday I began to feel a constant pressure in my right side. This morning in meditation I realized that I can ease it with posturing my body. For those of you who attended winter solstice, the kriya with the arms above the head like a crown is the one that seems to do the trick. Send prayers that the airways in my lower Right lung stay open. I believe the pressure I feel is the air not getting into the lung with ease.
This morning I feel a continuing need to surrender. This experience, although frightening and painful, is also filled with awareness of the support and love of all those who pray, strangers and friends, as this process of healing continues to emerge.
Friday the 2nd of February, Gail and several other friends have organized a healing ring of the tantra, which is a really powerful and wonderful meditaion for healing done only on the full and new moon. Everyone is invited, the info is posted on my website at www.yogameister.com and please know you will experience healing for everyone... I hope you can join us for this powerful healing circle.

Tomorrow will mark the one month anniversary of the beginning of this journey of healing. I will be seeing 3 doctors, my onco/radiologist, pulnonary, and oncologist. I do not know when the treatment will begin, but with all your prayers and support, I am ready.
Friday I began to feel a constant pressure in my right side. This morning in meditation I realized that I can ease it with posturing my body. For those of you who attended winter solstice, the kriya with the arms above the head like a crown is the one that seems to do the trick. Send prayers that the airways in my lower Right lung stay open. I believe the pressure I feel is the air not getting into the lung with ease.
This morning I feel a continuing need to surrender. This experience, although frightening and painful, is also filled with awareness of the support and love of all those who pray, strangers and friends, as this process of healing continues to emerge.
Friday the 2nd of February, Gail and several other friends have organized a healing ring of the tantra, which is a really powerful and wonderful meditaion for healing done only on the full and new moon. Everyone is invited, the info is posted on my website at www.yogameister.com and please know you will experience healing for everyone... I hope you can join us for this powerful healing circle.

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Today's posting

For all of you who have been praying and sending me your thoughts and love, I am so grateful that words cannot express the depth of my feeling. Thank you so much. I feel such support and love from each of you!
I have made a decision about how to proceed with treatment. I have decided to pursue chemotherapy and radiation therapy. I have appointments with my doctors on Monday. I went to Moffit Cancer Center on Wednesday and felt really comfortable with Dr. Anonia, who has assured me that he will work with my doctors on this side of the bay to oversee my treatment. I am not sure of my start date, so I will let you all know when I know. Please include in your prayers, my husband Steve, who is such a great support and my most valiant cheerleader, and all my doctors...
Bless you all, Martha