February 28,2007

I am halfway done with my Chemotherpy treatments! What an awesome milestone. Every day from here on is on the other side of the mountain, I get a different vista..... I am so grateful to all of you who gave me feedback about how to view the chemo this time. Last time I just felt so toxic, and this time my mind was in a much more neutral place so I could accept and function. I still feel like this is the "elephant" day.... Back up to (UGH) 142 lbs.... and feeling very FULL. But this too shall pass....
I had an unusual experience today that taught me a lot and I want to share it with you all. The chemo room was very packed today, and I sat near two lovely and spirit filled ladies. There was not alot of talk, but some nice companionship. One of the ladies asked me about yoga, so I told her about the positive benefits of breath and connecting to God with your breath, and that yoga was about a lot more than doing postures etc. Then I said that chanting and the practice of mantra was very helpful for me to lift my spirits and stay positive. At that point the other lady began say how breathing was good and stuff but you have to beware of yoga because chanting calls demons to you. Yoga is a Hindu religion... WELL... My heart began to beat fast, I looked at her and said: "Please say you are not telling me I am calling demons to me. Can you even see me?" Of course that is not what she meant, but I felt such a sense of violence and hurt. I plugged in my ear pods and listened to Japji to settle myself and heal the jarring energy. Wow. So here is what I got from that experience. Ignorance is bliss. She was in a state of sharing something she heard and felt to be true.... Ignorance is painful for the conscious......In my reality, the words were so violent and unfair. Demons! I pray to God, I sing to God , I trust in God. The other day I did a round of Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me. WOW. So, the moral of the story is this..... Your tongue is the most powerful organ in your body. Use it with GRACE and the understanding that you can uplift and heal with your word. SAT NAM.
I pray I will remember this.
Blessings and love to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Tuesday Feb 27

wow..... wahe guru.....god is good....
This Chemo is really going well. I have enough energy for a short bike ride. That's nice. It has been so helpful for those of you who have given me feedback on how to look at the chemo in a different and more accepting light. I know it has helped me to assimilate it. I do have that chemo bloat today, which is why I want to move this sluggish body and get things going.
Blessings to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Monday Feb. 26

Fabulous (that isn't spelled correctly) news today.....first of all, I am home from the Chemo, Kerry Carpenter (Blessings to you forever) just rubbed my feet, I feel great, not icky and bloated like last time, so LIFE IS GOOD. The oncologist is thrilled with my progress. He said I will only have to do 4 rounds of the chemo instead of 6, so needless to say I am over the moon. I changed my strategy with the food/chemo thing and really planned on having cozy/comfy foods that I knew would be appealing. Thanks to Shanti Shanti Kaur for the nutmeg cookie idea, it was great. I made a big thermos of fresh ginger tea with honey, zuchini bread sandwiches with creme cheese, a small green salad and some fresh grapefruit. I was able to eat and not feel like I was eating nails... what a delight. Thank GOD.
I pray the next two days are even better.
I hope everyone knows about the healing circle on Saturday evening. We will gather at the Yoga Center (TBYC) at 7 for the Tantric Healing Circle. Last time it was so powerful, it was just before I began my treatments, and I know it created a space in my heart to heal from the cancer and allow my body to be strong. This month there is an eclipse at the time as well, so that should make things even more interesting.
Once again, thank you all for all your prayers. Masses have been said, ardas, akhan phat (sp?), buddihst, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Sikh, pagan, wiccan, and simply good healing thoughts... Thank you all so much.
I was reading an old article by my beloved teacher, Yogi Bhajan last night, and I want to share a tiny bit of it as it is so powerful and timely. For those of you who knew him, I felt like I was sitting on the floor of the ashram in a room full of people and he was looking at me with sparkling eyes and speaking directly to me. Here is what he says: "Whether you are healthy or sick, there is no separation between you and God. When you are healthy, you are the health. When you are sick, you are the disease. There is nothing beyond you, there was never anything beyond you and there shall be nothing beyond you; provided you believe in yourself. If you have rhythm within, then you have found reality. When there is no rhythm within, when you don't listen to your own heart beat, how can you listen to the beat of others? All charity begins at home. If you have not loved your SELF, how can you love somebody else? If you don't keep yourself clean, how can you appreciate anyone else's cleanliness? This is the secret of ease and disease."
Wahe Guru! Blessings to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

February 24, 2007

The gamma knife went really well. I went through with flying colors and the doctors all are very happy with the results. I will have an MRI in a few weeks to assess the deal. I am feeling really great and am gearing up for my second round of chemo that will begin on Monday. Wish me luck.

After the procedure yesterday, my hair was comming out by the handfulls, so I asked Steve to shave it all off. Kali held my hand, Ken rubbed my neck, Steve shaved, I cried and the hair was offered to the beautiful oak in the back yard. It felt like I was going through an initiation; nuns shave their head too and now I have a beautiful bald head. I look pretty good. As soon as the screw holes from the halo heal, I will take a picture so all of you can see. (Don't freak out, the screw holes will heal quick..) So today is a time to do some yoga, meditate and get myself prepared for next week.
I really do not enjoy the chemo, but I have to get to a peaceful place about it because I know it will work better if I am accepting of it. Accept poison... Hmmm. Any ideas on how to do that are appreciated. Love to all, Light to all, Peace to all....
Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Gamma Knife Day!

This morning I am going in for the gamma knife...I am feeling really confident and hopeful amd extremely grateful for this technology. All is well. I am healed. The brain tumor is deleted today. My brain is perfect and healed with a small hole. I will have a holy brain! God bless me!
Blessings to all. Love to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Thursday Feb 22

Wow! Lots of news and changes. Mark and Rebekah have been here visiting this week so I spent lots of time with them which was great... An aquarium trip and a few walks on the beach are always great...
I met with the neurosurgeon yesterday I have never seen anyone with such steady hands... He is definately the man I want holding the gamma knife. So they have all the people in place and the gamma knife will be moved up to TOMORROW. I am thrilled to have this little 8mm tumor deleted from my left lobe. They are very encouraging, I am the perfect candidate etc. SO. I go in at 10 am and should be done by 1 or 2. it is outpatient, and they say I will be fine afterword, but to rest. I guess so, I will have a vacant spot in my brain..... but I am not using it at the moment so I am accepting that all is well.
That moves the chemo back to next week. That would have been the normal week and they want to keep me on a every 21 day schedule for the chemo as it has a better chance of working that way. So. I am gearing up for my second round next week. I am planning on lots of hot ginger tea with honey this time (I am so glad I got honey from Sat Kaur at Solstice!) and wil try to make some nutmeg cookies as that is what Yogi Bhajan says is great for chemo...
My hair has started to come out by the handfull. I guess I will get to see how I look bald. At first I was kind of freaked, but it really is OK. It will grow back. Just another thing to let go of. It lets me see what it is about me I am attatched to...
I am asking myself what it is that makes me doubt. At times there is such a sense of "rightness" about things and then there are other times when I begin to doubt... So I am looking at what triggers that. I want to, or rather I feel I must, live in a consciousness of faith. Most of the time, I know it is all right, but I have my moments...
Blessings and love to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Saturday February 17

We have just finished the healing circle, which was really wonderful, and I want to savor the yummy sense of love and belonging and support and all the goodies that go along with it. What a gift to be so loved. Thanks to all of you for participating, I know there were many who could not be here physically, but were here in the spirit world... We felt you. I am feeling stronger and stronger every day. The impact of this community of supporters on my spirits is so incredible. I am learning to accept this support and love and I appreciate what everyone is doing. Thanks!
Mark and Rebekah are on the way and will be here in a few hours. I am so excited to see my niece. She is a beautiful and sensitive young woman. Imagine having your entire life in front of you...... well I suppose that is true every day but to be so young!
Blessings to all. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Valentines Day

May you each be filled with the presence of God this day, filled with the fragrance of flowers and chocolate....I was re-mapped this morning and found out that they will be re-directing the daily radiation treatments so that the harmful radiation will not be going near my esophagus! Yipeee. I have been seeing my esophagus in a tube of protective light, and saying the mantra from the survival guide for radiation as a precaution, as I know this is really powerful stuff. Prana, apana, shushmana, hari, hari, har hari har hari har haree. The vibration of mantra is all around me, uplifting me and shifting me. I am keeping my "eye" on the center and allowing it to happen. Not easy for a contoling person , but worth all the effort.
Happy Valentine's Day to each of you. Blessings! Dyal Kaur

Tuesday Feb 13

Awesome news this morning! At my regular radiation treatment, the tec told me they have to "remap" me because the tumor has shrunk so much! Apparently that does not happen very often, especially so soon, so I am exstatic to say the least.
I know the healing is comming from the deepest part of me, and it is createing an environment for this thing to transform into something no longer harmful to me. I realized yesterday that Hari Charn is in India at the Golden Temple, so the waters of that sacred and healing pool are surrounding me inside and out. Prayer is a reality. Prayer is the earth energy in the world of the subltle. Prayer is support and nurturance of all that is. Your prayers are healing me; my prayer is healing me.
Blessings and love to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Monday Feb 12

It is a great day to be alive! I met with the gamma knife radiological oncologist this morning, and got much of the scoop about the procedure. They seem really confident this is the way to go for the brain tumor. I feel really good today. I have some strength and am looking forward to teaching tonight.
It is so great to have a sense of hope and to feel a little more empowered by this experience. I know I get to make the decisions about things, and even tho it seems like I do not, just knowing that I can say no is helpful. I really feel the health of my body follows the health of my mind, so I am thinking positive thoughts and grateful for every breath.
Blessings and love to all. Martha

Sunday Feb 11

I do not know how this will sound, I pray that you all will take a deep breath and not think I have gone off the deep end... This is an incredibly profound and subltle shift. I was in prayer this morning and realized that much of what I face in my journey to health is from a simple but deep "misalilignment" of my self. The bottom line here is a sense of worth. I know everyone is saying "NO Way.." but YES. That is what it is. There is a subltle and significant sepatation that is self imposed that says everyone else is more important. I know I will never be the same. I also know that I will be better and healthier for it. I was contemplating the story of Jesus in the garden at Gethsemane, and relaized that he was given a similar choice, and he too wondered if the cup could pass from him. Was he, not from the external perspective of being the messiah and the son of God, but was he in his inner self and heart willing to accept this leap of faith, this cup of bitterness in order to really become his true self. I sure not saying I am being handed the same chalice. Still it gives me a sense of my own humanity to realize that even Christ was troubled by a sense of "can I do this thing that God asks of me?"
I do not fear death, on some level, I fear my own creative and alive self much more. This is my opportunity to give myself the gift of my true creative and god-given self. Each moment is new, each breath is a blessing, each thought is an opportunity to shift to a reality based on God and not on the lie that none of us is worth the happiness and love and joy that is to be found in the heart of hearts, deep within ourselves.
On a physical note, my energy is starting to come back, I feel so much better and grateful for the ability to move my bowels (Hey its important!) and eat healthy and nutritious food. I know this journey will take me along valleys and mountains and streams, so here goes....
Bless each and every one of you. Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Friday Feb 9

So Sorry for not posting for the last few days....The chemo began on Monday and was difficult but did not make me sick. I went from 128 to 141 lbs in 3 days. I felt like an elephant and spent Wednesday on my knees asking Ganesh to help me understand the lesson on the elephant! For those of you who do not know, Ganesh is the hindu God of wisdom and prosperity who is an elephant....
Your prayers have kept me up. Keeping up has a whole new meaning for me. It is about learning to accept myself in all things, not judge and forgive. The medical system is filled with very loving and wonderful people who are dealing with incredible suffering and pain each day. I have such respect for them.
The most challenging thing these last few days has been the realization that the disease in my body will leave for good if and only if I accept myself, my true, authentic, God-self. I know I have been acting as if I had done that all along, but I am here to tell you I have not. I know I can beat this disease. I am not and will not live sick. I am alive and want to become really alive in each and every moment. That is my prayer.
The really excellent news is that the pain in my right side is totally gone. My breath is still not as deep or long, but I know that will improve. I want my yoga breath back and I will have it. I have not had to take any pain medication at all for several days, and last night did not even do the cough medication. Praise God and all the angels.
May the light of God shine on all. Blessings and thanks again for your prayers.
Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Feb 5 Monday

Sat Nam everyone! Here is the good news: I feel great and the chemo treatment went really well. It was only 4 hrs instead of 6 and I am doing really well. The radiation therapy is short and sweet and the people are super nice. The healing has begun!
Friday evening was astonishing. So many of you participated and both Steve and I felt such love and support. I trust the hand of God is working through each of you to uplift and heal me in ways I cannot even imagine (and I have a really active imagination!) Thank you so much for treating me and you to such an uplifting vibration.
So here is the challenging news. I have a brain tumor. It was detected on CT scan, and MRI shows it to be pretty difinitively a metastatic tumor. The great news is that it is small. It needs to be treated separately as the chemo I am recieving does not cross the blood brain barrier (which is a good thing) and the treatments offered are from brain surgery (NOT) to targeted radiation. It is called gamma knife and sounds like the best option. Much better than radiationg my entire brain..... OK GOD I think I have had enough.... You can stop now. Blessings to everyone. Keep up the prayers, they really help. Love and light to all, Dyal Kaur (Martha)

Feb 2 Grounhog Day

I hope to see everyone tonight! I know you will be there in spirit...

Prayer

Lord God,
Bless me with healing.
Allow me to feel close to your heart.
Grant my body ease.
Give my mind peace.
Strengthen my immune system.
Keep me focused on victory.
Delete all cancer from my body.
Hold me, my husband, my doctors, my healers, and my friends in your embrace.
Allow me the consciousness of gratitude.
May I live, breathe and vibrate the Naad.Sat Nam

February 1

Each day I feel a sese of gratitude for all the support flowing to me from every one of you. Today I see my new and much improved Primary care physician, Dr. Trapodis! Yipee.
I hope everyone who can will be able to make it to the healing circle tomorrow night. I know it will be awesome.
Blessings, Dyal Kaur

February 1

Each day I feel a sese of gratitude for all the support flowing to me from every one of you. Today I see my new and much improved Primary care physician, Dr. Trapodis! Yipee.
I hope everyone who can will be able to make it to the healing circle tomorrow night. I know it will be awesome.
Blessings, Dyal Kaur